My youngest brother, Pat, died by suicide. There aren’t words to convey the enormity of the impact Pat’s death has had on my life. There is only Before I lost Pat and After I lost Pat. A dark, boldly drawn line between who I was before I lost him and who I am today. I am a suicide loss survivor.

Research has shown that on average, five immediate family members and up to 135 individuals can be exposed to the impact of one person’s suicide. In 2024, 50,000 people died by suicide in our country. Yet, the experiences of suicide loss survivors are rarely shared.

I’ve made a list of 5 notions from a suicide loss survivor perspective gathered through books/publications, conversations, forums, support groups, and through my lived experience and work as Co-Founder of Our Black Rose.

1. We Exist– while all of us wish more than anything, more than the air we breathe, that we could go back and prevent our loved one’s death by suicide, we can’t. We are here living the unimaginable (shout out to Hamilton the musical for the phrase) and we need the acknowledgement that we did the best we could. Using the words “warning signs” in prevention language gives the impression that a death by suicide can be avoided if you simply follow a checklist. For us, this increases the crippling feelings of guilt and stigma, makes healing impossible, and is, frankly, fake news. As author Craig J. Bryan notes, suicide is a wicked problem with no single cause and no right solution. Education on factors that may increase suicide risk is vital, but the language used matters.
2. We Are Grit and Resilience– the limited research focusing on suicide loss survivors tends to minimize our lived experience into extreme grief and the increased risk of us dying by suicide ourselves. While I will not diminish the impact of suicide grief, I will share that the grit, resilience, determination, and passion in suicide loss survivors is worth noting, worth celebrating, and worth leveraging. I have met countless people who pour their loss and experience into bringing greater awareness. I urge the suicide focused community to share more stories on survivors’ strength and resilience.
3. We Need Resources– I have spent 25+ years working in the nonprofit sector and was shocked at the lack of resources after my brother died. It is the main reason we started Our Black Rose. Details after a suicide death including biohazard clean-up if needed, legal and financial issues, understanding insurance (some polices have suicide exclusion for death benefits), religious/spiritual implications, and how the loss is communicated can be traumatic and are extremely difficult. The lack of resources leaves suicide loss survivors feeling isolated and even hopeless. Kudos to organizations like Six Feet Over for addressing suicide loss survivors’ needs in Kansas and Michigan.
4. We Are in This Together– suicide loss survivors know the complexities in life our lost loved one(s) faced. We know that it will take broad, systemic, full community participation to decrease the number of suicide deaths. This effort can’t be made in isolation and won’t be found only through research studies and clinical environments. Reducing the number of suicides will only be found in building community conditions that enrich life and make lives worth living. Solutions must cover a wide spectrum ranging from supporting federal, state, and local policies that help people on their worst days to providing grace, patience, and empathy in our daily lives. It will take all of us and new approaches.
5. We Love Them– the people we lost to suicide are so much more than how they died. We need you to talk about them. As suicide loss survivors, we forever carry the sadness/guilt/shame/trauma, and it is so unbelievably heavy. The power you hold to share memories, stories, and pictures of our lost loved one is immeasurable. I cling to stories people have shared with me about Pat which always highlight the hilarious, kind, loyal, and giving person he was. Hearing good memories helps us remember the good too. And it is my sincere hope that the good memories can eventually overpower the bad.

Kelleigh